I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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