I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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