People in love make me want to vomit
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
