Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
