I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
