eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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