Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize