I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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