remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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