Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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