Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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