You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
