Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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