I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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