You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
