I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
