I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
