just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize