Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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