I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize