Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
