moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
