I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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