I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
