You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
