dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
