I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
