It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's official drugs can't kill me
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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