i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
