is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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