Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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