What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
