She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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