I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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