Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
