dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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