Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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