In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize