JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
