On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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