Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
