We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
