Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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