I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
