She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize