omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
