im six kinds of drunk right now
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
