I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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