The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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