I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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