don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
