I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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