so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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