nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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