I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
