I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
