I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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