im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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