Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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