If i come over, it means nothing
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
