Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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