Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
